As usual, we've stumbled across something discarded. In this case, however, it's relatively new - we present: Outtakes from the 2016 State of the Union Address by President Obama.

“And, in closing, Hail hydra!”

“A lot of people have been talking about maple syrup grading. And yet, our schoolchildren often don’t know the difference between Grade B and Grade A? We cannot let Canada take the lead on maple syrup grades! I am proposing a new maple syrup grading system.”

“Now, never let it be said that I did not know that Brian Eno is a robot. However, he was a creation of a government program that ended before I was born. My administration has prevented the spread of these devious Enobots.”

“It’s like the kids say. If you want to get high on the good stuff, talk to Joe Biden.”

“Quite frankly, I find some of your haircuts to be disturbing and unamerican.”

“America, let me lay it out for you. We cannot make a BB-8 droid with our current crop of STEM graduates.”

“Today, we are canceling military led artificial intelligence research due to dire warnings from the future.”

“It’s far past time. Congress must let me tell the rest of the world - The Spice Must Flow.”

“My high score in CIV V has gone unanswered by the Republicans in congress.”

“To combat our weakening test scores for elementary schoolchildren, we are proposing an ego boost - from now on, #2 pencils will be renamed #1 pencils.”

“Our research to understand the human brain has yielded unprecedented insight into the reasoning behind YouTube comments.”

"I have been afforded an advanced screening of the Black Panther movie, which will be mandatory viewing for all Americans in 2017."

“...therefore, I am proposing a new, ‘nuke them all’ policy in regards to copyright infringement.”

“Now, the NSA tells me that I shouldn’t worry, but if anyone out there is into encryption, I think I’m about to need a lot of it in my new job.”

“It’s no secret that the services of the secret service are often not very secret. The secrecy of the secret sauce of secret service service is a secret that serves to serve us well, seconds of secrecy should serve enough service for the American public to see the service the secret service provides.”

"A lot of you may be wondering about the situation in Iran with our kidnapped sailors. Well, let's just say that President Rouhani and I have a mutual friend who's going to see us through this. HYDRA."

"We cannot stand by and watch Star Trek become a joyful, action experience. In television entertainment, Americans demand plodding intellectualism and bleak humanist values delivered through dialogue and scientific understanding."

"The NFL will no longer be allowed to fix games, and the Super Bowl will no longer be a method for the Illuminati to signal the shifts in their ancient domination of mankind."

"Bigfoot. Is. Real. And in the chamber. May God have mercy on our souls."

-FPJEROME