Dear President Trump;
I never doubted you. So I hope you’ll consider me as your new director of the FBI. With James “James” Comey being fired - good move, I hope you used your signature “You’re fired” line on that guy - I know you’ll need a replacement.
You’ll need a renegade with top-notch investigative skills, willing to fight crawfish-men, handle city-wide issues, infiltrate secret bunkers, climb into murder holes with strange beast-men, and sneak into corporate board meetings.
You like to think outside the box, and I like to think outside the cube. That’s why I think you should do some real outsider logic here and not hire some law-man to run your central law-man agency. You should hire an outlaw. Outside the box? Outside the law. It’s all the same thing.
That’s not to say I don’t have experience. I know the X-Files in and out, like the back of an old hand I found in the swamp.
Therefore, as your soon-to-be FBI director, this is exactly what I am capable of doing, what I will prioritize, and what, I am sure, the American people want - far more than whatever it was James “No you have to call me James” Comey was getting up to. Mostly, just convincing disturbed people that they should become terrorists, and distributing child porn. Therefore, I think you will find that this is a much better use of taxpayer dollars.
I will get to the bottom of alien abductions.
I will find out who in the government is covering them up.
I will investigate the killer - who only I know exists - who can stretch himself to impossible shapes and sizes.
I will investigate the Jersey Devil. The mutant one, not Chris Christie, unless of course you really want me to.
Ghosts. Real? I’ll find out.
Malevolent AI. I’m sure this is a threat the American people would like to be dealt with, Mr. President.
ASTRONAUTS. What are they up to? What do they bring back with them from space? I WILL FIND OUT.
Secret human cloning projects. Why are they secret? Are they humans? Why not just fuck? Few people can discern the truth to questions such as these. I am such a person.
Spontaneous Human Combustion. I feel like we can have more of that. SHOULD have more of that. Why so spontaneous?
Psychic mediums. I have a brilliant plan to see if any of them can contact US from beyond the grave.
Shapeshifters. They could be anyone! ANYONE. I alone can ferret out this threat.
Possession by the dead. I figure that if possession is 9/10ths of the law, then I can 9/10ths handle this.
Creepy baby-salamander hands. That can’t be good. No good comes of a hand like that.
Faith healers. No joke, I think we can probably just put an end to that.
Insects that suck people’s blood out. I mean, it’s common, it’s more dangerous than terrorism, and I have the swamp knowledge to handle it.
THAT GODDAMN STRETCHY ARMED MAN I KNOW I CAN STOP HIS CRIMES!
Reincarnation. Nope. We’ve got to put a stop to that. One life is plenty enough, if not, in fact, too much.
Telepathy. I don’t trust bald men for this reason. I feel like I can solve this case with that secret knowledge.
Mr. President, I hope you find this application to be useful and may it guide you to your new FBI director, who, I should point out, should be me, as I am just as qualified as anyone else.